I’m sorry I was Never Enough

I decided on you much too quickly.

I’m a good person and love people with my whole heart, so I expected you to love me with your whole heart too.

I was wrong…dead wrong.

Your idea of love certainly wasn’t what I had long read about in the book of Corinthians, but I knew that before I married you. I just wanted to believe for so long that my love was enough to carry us both…at least until I made you happy and “fixed” myself and you loved me like I loved you.

I just needed to try harder to meet your standards.

Again…this is wrong. I can’t make you love me. As much as I tried, I couldn’t change myself at my core for another person, no matter the strength of my love, nor the level of commitment I vowed.

I’m sorry I couldn’t be as submissive as you wanted me to be.

I’m sorry that you thought I was disrespectful to you, even when no one else could see what you were angry about.

I’m sorry I always let the kids open the newest box of cereal, even when there were 5 other boxes open. Yes, I am “lazy” in the morning.

I’m sorry that I couldn’t find the grocery receipt so that you could review every item to ensure it was a necessary purchase. I really didn’t mean to lose it. I lose everything. It’s my ADHD.

Oh, and my ADHD. I’m sorry there isn’t a cure for it. I’m sorry you had to deal with it. I’ve been dealing with it my entire life and trust me when I say that it’s tough. I’m sorry if it inconvenienced you at all. I tried very hard to hide it from you.

I’m sorry that I ruined your birthday when I was sexually assaulted. I should’ve had less to drink that night and maybe I wouldn’t have put myself into a vulnerable situation.

I’m sorry for so many things, but most of all, I’m sorry for ever feeling sorry. I’ve literally apologized to you for each of these things, but why?

I’m a strong and wonderful person. I’m educated, hard-working, and dare I even say, pretty.

I’m going to heal from this one day and I’m going to meet a man that laughs when there are five open cereal boxes and I open another. He will shrug, roll his eyes, and chuckle because he knows it’s not worth the argument. He will understand that not being a morning person is part of my ADHD, and my ADHD is part of me…and he will love all of me, so he won’t mind.

I’ll meet a man that allows me to jokingly tease him a little and he won’t scream at me during the car ride all the way home and tell me I need to read my Bible more in order to be a more respectful and submissive wife.

I’ll meet a man that won’t tell people that I only married him for his money. I guess most gold diggers are willing to sign a prenuptial agreement, right?

I’ll meet a man that doesn’t give me first hand experience dealing with every type of abuse.

I meet and marry this man. And on our wedding day, he won’t ask me to call off our wedding because there is rain. He will tell me that it’s good luck and that he can’t wait another day to make me his wife.

He will love my children so much that he would shudder at the mere thought of not being a part of their lives forever.

He will be patient and kind. I will love him with everything that I am, and he will love me in return. He will believe in me even when it feels as though the whole world has turned their backs on me. I will be grateful and I’ll be his biggest cheerleader, just as I was yours.

I certainly hope that you are so much happier now that you don’t have to deal with your disrespectful, forgetful, disorganized, ADHD wife. I hope your financial portfolio really takes off now that you don’t have to support your “greedy and ungrateful” wife. I hope your house is wonderfully clean now that you live alone. I hope that the echo you hear in our home doesn’t bother you.

I hope one day you realize what exactly you lost.

One day an amazing man will be so glad that you lost it.


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